:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/67628554/1228853679.jpg.0.jpg)
I’m three glasses of rosé in and have an early meeting tomorrow. But we need to Claire-ify what episode one has brought us, shall we? I’m sorry. That was bad. I told you I was punny. On Tuesdays we get drunk and watch grown men cry in limos, so let’s do this? Welcome to our wrap-up of the season premiere of The Bachelorette.
Usually the first episode lets us see a little glimpse into the characters and who the standouts of the season might be. Introductions between the guys and Claire went as expected, but there were some standout moments. Buckle up because that dumpster fire is already starting to burn.
Doing some weird or over-the-top thing when the contestants step out of the limo is completely encouraged, and this season was no exception. One guy showed up in knight’s armor (Chasen). One showed up in a giant bubble (Ed). There was even a guy who showed up in a straight jacket (Jay), and he kind of wore it the whole time. Creepy or clever, I’ll let you decide. I’m not impressed but, what do I know? The closest thing I have to an actual rose is a bottle of rosé, and he got an actual rose.
And of course there was a catfight between two guys. How this can happen so soon (like, within hours of stepping out of the limo) is beyond me. And the charges were questionable for sure. One accused another of sliding into girls’ DMs during quarantine (Tyler C and Yosef). Remember that’s a major no-no because if you’re texting other girls during quarantine, you’re obviously “not here for the right reasons.” Never mind that NO ONE HAS MET CLAIRE YET but, I digress. Logic has no home in Bachelor Nation.
On a sweeter note, there was a guy who showed her origami and made her laugh. His name is Joe. Don’t underestimate the power of someone who is interesting and who can make a woman laugh. I don’t see Joe connecting with Claire and making it to the end, but he would be AMAZING on Bachelor in Paradise, and I’m already shipping him with other girls from season’s past. #sendjoetoparadise needs to be a thing.
Also on the cuteness scale there’s Blake, a 29-year-old Wildlife Manager, who broke show rules to reach out to Claire during quarantine. He took a risk, and she called him out. It “meant everything” to her. They kissed. I swooned. If this wasn’t 2020 and The Bachelorette wasn’t Claire, my money would be on Blake. He’s dapper, respectful and has a million-watt smile. AND THEY KISSED AND IT DIDN’T LOOK CRINGEY!!! He wanted that First Impression Rose like nobody’s business. He deserved that FIR.
Spoiler alert: he didn’t get it.
Dale, a former NFL training camp invitee, did. From the moment he stepped out of the limo, it was clear Claire was a smitten kitten. Dale is rumored to be the guy that Claire quits the show for, and it looks like that rumor is true from the footage ABC has dropped, but I’m still skeptical. Only the next few episodes will tell us for sure, but Dale is absolutely one to watch. I personally don’t think he gives off “I’m here for the right reasons” vibes, but, again, that’s just me. It will be interesting to see how the chaos we know is coming unfolds.
Will Dale and Claire break The Bachelorette and ride off into paradise? I am not convinced, but it’s clear this season is like no other, and I’m here for every second of it.
Predictions
BLAKE: Next up for Bachelor if he stands out. He will be on at least Bachelor in Paradise.
KENNY: This is the guy who put Claire’s dogs on his t-shirt. He seems thoughtful, a tad bit dorky and more than a little neurotic. He’s perfect.
DALE: If he doesn’t end up with Claire, he’ll for sure go to Paradise.
YOSEF: For sure a Paradise invitee as well.
DEMAR: Dude wore a skydiving jacket because “he’s fallen for Claire,” and if that doesn’t make you go aww you’re dead inside.
Who will become the breakout stars this season? We’ll find out together I guess, one bottle of rosé at a time, because I remain here 100% here for the right reasons.
See y’all soon. Make good choices. XOXO.